At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
