His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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