girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
