I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
