I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
