I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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