Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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