i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize