Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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