We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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