I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
