I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
