I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
