hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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