I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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