Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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