Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
