after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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