Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
