listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
