My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
