Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
