Are we in a gay sports bar?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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