She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
is it fun? or sober?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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