I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
