you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
