so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
