Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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