i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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