I need to stop coming to work sober
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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