I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
