I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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