I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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