He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
