I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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