When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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