I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize