remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
