Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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