Got a toothbrush?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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