How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
