I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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