Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
