Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
