Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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