I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
