There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just high enough for therapy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
