Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
