you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
