He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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