Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
