I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
