I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
