Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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