the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
