Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
